Love and Farts
Love and Farts
I feel the mixture of nitrogen, oxygen, hydrogen, carbon dioxide and methane trying to come out, pushing gently. It’s testing me. I can tell this is gonna be a big one, and know my body well enough to know this is a lost battle. I can only resist for so long and soon it will come with full strength. It wants do be free, and free it shall be. Slowly but surely, the fart is coming out.
It had to be all those fucking broccoli. Or maybe the cheese platter? I should know better than eat this kind of shit when on a date. And now we are about to have sex, and even though we’ve been seeing each other for two months, there is no way I’m ready to let one rip next to her. This would kill me, and I keep imagining her talking about this with her friends, having some sort of nickname for me, like “Mr. Fart”; it’s too unbearable to even contemplate. No fucking way I’m gonna let that happen! Besides, I really like this girl, and we are getting along so great. I’m definitely in love with her and I’m pretty sure she is starting to fall for me too. She is beautiful, smart, funny, interesting. And the sex, oh god the sex is amaaaaazing! And as we’re making out on her bed I feel the push coming from inside, like ridley scott’s alien trying to come out, but from my ass instead of my stomach. Sure, I can excuse myself and go to the toilet, but everything is silent and the toilet is only a few meters away, she will surely hear me. Well, not me, it! The kraken, this beast made of gas that is living inside of my bowels. Forget about predicting volcano eruptions, someone needs to figure out a way to predict farts asap! Give people enough time to react, to run, to not make fools of themselves in front of the girl they’re in loved with!
Going down on her, my ass pointing up, I’m sure the lamp will fall if my sphincter loses all the resistance in this precise moment. I keep compressing my butt cheeks to keep it inside, knowing all the time I am simply delaying the inevitable. Oh lord why are you doing this to me?! She comes and wants to go down on me as well. I can’t even focus on the amazing sex I’m having, the gorgeous woman licking my balls and my dick, making me so hard and so horny; And then she starts heading towards my butt. This is a new thing, she never did that before! What the fuck? Her tongue is getting closer to my asshole and my butt cheeks are fully compressed now. I’m getting proper ass muscles after this, no doubt about that. I’ll be able to break nuts and open beer bottles, surely. Anyway, she has to be stopped. Her arms are grabbing my chest and I pulled them, telling her I wanted to look at her while we fuck. It works, and she starts riding me like I’m a race horse. Ohhhhhh myyyyyyy goooooood, it feels soooooo good! For a few seconds I forget about what’s happening inside my body but all that bouncing up and down on top of me quickly reminds me the battle is not yet finished.The rhythm with which she moves her hips is getting faster, and I can tell it’s gonna happen soon. She is starting to make those noises I love and I can tell she’s gonna come soon as well, so it’s just a matter of which of these things is happening first. She yells “Oh baby I’m coming!”, which turns me on so much that I come too. We come at the same time, now THAT’s what I call good sex. Brilliant! Oh, this girl is one in a million. This is the one, I know it! We kiss for a while and she lies next to me on the bed, both of us panting, taking a moment to catch our breaths. The room is so hot, so she gets up and opens the window. A nice cool breeze comes in the room. “Do you want some water?”, she asks me, and I realise this is my chance! “I’d love some, thanks!” She winks and leaves the room, heading to the kitchen downstairs. As I hear the sound of her footsteps fade away, I get closer to the window and push, and jesus fucking god almighty, it was a big one indeed! It sounds like a rusty trumpet and smells like a nightmare, but I light a few candles that she has around her room and an incense stick. After one minute it smells like cinnamon, lavender vanilla and apple. I go back to bed and rest my arms behind my head, waiting for her. I fucking win, I’m thinking to myself. Fuck you very much broccoli or whatever the fuck it was. When she comes back with the water she loves that I created some after-sex mood for us and we cuddle, tired and sweaty, and let the wind from outside revitalise us. I feel I’m seconds away from falling asleep when:
Not me, her! She just fucking farted! I don’t move, and wonder if I should pretend I didn’t hear it - which is impossible unless I was deaf! - or make a joke about it to reduce her embarrassment, show her I don’t care. To my surprise though, she is not embarrassed at all. She’s laughing and says a funny “Oops!”, which makes us both laugh like crazy. “Sorry baby,” she says, “lets not have broccoli again on a date, cool?”
I agree with her and we resume our cuddling. She’s great, I think to myself. And now I know she’s definitely falling for me as well. And THAT is fucking great.